Incoming!
The pigeon emitted a ghastly shriek as it spun out of the sky and strafed the pavement by my feet. I leapt nimbly to the side and kicked out with one foot, sending the hideous creature hurtling headlong into a nearby bush.
“Aha! Take that!” I cried, dancing the happy dance and celebrating my triumphant victory by pulling faces at the final resting place of my fallen foe.
Alas, my celebrations were too early, and before I had finished the first verse of “Happy Happy Joy Joy”, the bush had begun to quake. There was a dry snapping sound and a puff of terrified leaves shot into the air where they were picked up by the wind and sent scuttling off.
I tensed and looked soberly at the bush. Nothing could have survived that perfectly executed ninja-kick.
With a sudden rending sound, the bush split apart and the pigeon lurched forward; its right leg was bent awkwardly beneath it and its left eye roared bloody vengeance for the loss of its partner. It staggered towards me; slowly, painfully, inexorably, its dragging limb screeching and scratching through the autumn leaves.
“In the name of God!” I cried. “Why can’t you just die!”
I clasped my hands to my head and fell to my knees, unable to escape the relentless approach of the broken, feathery monster. Despair washed over me – a sudden lethargy; a willingness to accept my fate. The desolation of my soul was filled by a sudden longing for release; an urge to simply accept my fate.
“Three years! You’ve been following me for three years and I can run no more. I accept my fate, oh beaked spectre! Do with me what thou will, just make the pursuit end! Lift from my head this curse of eternal flapping and fluttering. Just give me the bloody note.”
The pigeon squatted back on its mangled leg and held forth the other. Tied around the base of the leg was a tiny scrap of paper. With shaking hands, I untied the message and unrolled it.
Dear John
Have a pigeon
Love, Jenny
The dissolution of my spirit was complete and I sank to the ground. The cold pavement pressing against my face went unnoticed in the blackness of my despair. The pigeon cooed mockingly in my face and I closed my eyes against my shame.
Why couldn’t she just send a box of bloody chocolates like any normal person would.
April 10, 2009 at 5:52 pm
You are one strange fella… I might even go as far as to say scary!
Don’t fall in between those cracks now.