Bastard Christmas
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the fucking way. Oh what bastard fun it is to have PIPED FUCKING CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING EVERY BLOODY PLACE YOU BASTARDING GO.
It’s christmas time. According to Woolworth’s shelf-stockers, it’s been christmas time since fucking SEPTEMBER. It was christmas before it was bloody halloween this year.
“But it’s nice,” someone might whine. “But it’s the season of giving.”
It’s the season of fucking GREED, you apologist fuck, I would undoubtedly answer. It’s the season of charging around Tescos stuffing your trolly with all the food in the fucking world just in case there’s a bastarding FAMINE, despite the fact that the larger shops close for TWO DAYS and the corner shops……. don’t bloody well close at all. JUST FUCKING STOP IT!
People are being driven to this crazed panic-buying like the pathetic lemmings they are by a media which constantly screams CONSUME at them. Why do you NEED to buy a month’s worth of shopping on the 23rd of December? Why do you NEED to have four palettes of Tennent’s fucking Lager (undrinkable yak-piss that it is) sticking out the top of your trolley? The answer? You bloody well don’t. There are places in the world where people live on the equivalent of a single christmas shopping trolley for the whole fucking YEAR if they’re lucky.
And what’s all this bollocks about Christmas cards? “Here’s a piece of paper to say that despite the fact that I haven’t spoken to you since the last christmas card, you’re still my bestest friend.” It’s only a matter of bloody time before Hallmark start printing boxing day cards, 17th of January cards and day-with-a-fucking-y-in-the-name cards.
Get this – a shop near my house sells a box of 100 cards for 69p. That’s less than a penny per card. It costs thirty times as much to post the fucker! If you really must send them, why not take the opportunity to actually visit one of these so called friends and drop the bloody thing off yourself. That way you might be able to avoid being a complete hypocritical loser.
On that note, it’s only fair to point out that anyone trying to hand deliver a card to me will be immediately stabbed in the bastard.
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